>The door to your office opens and a zebracorn pokes his head in.
"Pat. Take a seat," you order.
>He does as such.
"I think you know why I called you in here."
>He shakes his head.
>"Not really, no."
"Well allow me to refresh your memory. Remember when we had that company urinalysis and everyone was supposed to turn in a cup filled with urine?"
>"Riiight...?"
"Well, everyone else managed to turn in a cup filled with urine. You turned in a cup filled with what I assume is... Gatorade?"
>Pat slowly shook his head and narrowed his eyes.
>"I don't think you can prove that."
"I think I can," you say, quick to respond.
>You reach under the desk and pull out a small jar.
"You see, for some reason, instead of using yellow Gatorade, You used blue."
>"Right," confirmed Pat. "But this isn't a test about color. This is a test about drugs, and there are no drugs in there."
"Well, no. But what there is in there is a ton of sugar."
>You set the cup down and pull out a stapled packet of paper.
"Which for some reason the insurance company now thinks that you have something called 'super' diabetes," you state, reading off the sheet.
>Pat thinks for a second.
>"Does that come with more sick days?"
"No, that comes with kidney failure."
>"Which comes with more sick days?"
"Which comes with death. Listen, Pat. The insurance company is not going to write a policy on a guy with blood sugar levels as high as yours!"
>Pat sits for a moment.
>"How were my electrolytes?"
>You check the paper again.
"They were actually great."
>Pat does a victory hoof pump.
"But listen, that's not the point. We need you to take another drug test."
>Pat laughed and shook his head.
>"Yeah I don't see how that's gonna help."
"And pass it," you finish.
>Pat's smile disappeared.
>"Okay now that's asking for a lot."
"That's asking for one thing!"
>"Is it?"
>Pat holds up a hoof and starts counting on his imaginary fingers.
>"You're asking me to take a drug test, you're asking me to pass a drug test, and you're asking me not to do drugs. Those are three things you're asking me to do and/or not do."
"Those are all the same thing!"
>"Okay, well I assume you want me to come into work, and you probably want me to wear my shirt."
"You do those things as part of your job!"
>"And now you're asking me to take on additional responsibilities."
>Pat sits up in his seat.
>"You know what? I'm glad you called this meeting because I need to ask something."
>He leans in close and lowers his voice.
>"I need a raise. I'm thinking... forty grand a year? I'm not at liberty to say why, but I really need it."
"Pat. Go pee in a cup."
>He sits up and his voice goes back to normal.
>"Well I would like to, but I haven't had anything to drink."
>You hold up the blue cup of Gatorade and place it on the desk in front of him.
>"Okay now that's just gross."
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heil pattycackes